It’s a brisk afternoon in April when the Killer Roy gang rides into Hankville, Texas, population 160. Killer Roy is short and as big around as he is tall. Some say, “He needs a ladder to climb onto his spotted pony.” The Killer Roy gang are suspects in several bank robberies, even though Killer Roy never shot anyone, the papers say he is as mean as a rattle snake and as cunning as a fox. His right hand man Larkin, is a smelly and dirty looking man who is very tall, he towers over most men and is as skinny as a string bean. Larkin is just as fast with his mouth as he is with a gun. The explosive expert that rides with Killer Roy is Catfish, an average height, husky build, naturally curly dark hair and long shabby beard. Catfish is missing his index finger and middle finger on his left hand from mishandling some explosives. As they road into town they were parched and wanted a drink.
The Pig Belly saloon is the only saloon in town and it is a dry, dusty, two story saloon with wooden floors. The second floor is a balcony that goes two-thirds of the way around the saloon with seven hotel rooms. There are ten tables with a shortage of chairs due to being busted up in bar brawls. The bar was long and waist high for those who didn’t want to sit. There’s a large busted up mirror behind the bar, with a broken face looking back at you when you looked in it. The saloon only served cold beer and rot gut corn whiskey made in a still in the backroom. The whiskey burned as much coming out as it did going down. The owner and barkeeper of the saloon is Big John. He is an older bald gentleman with a face full of wrinkles that can tell you a story. He is only knee high to a grasshopper and only weighs one-twenty soaking wet. He had to have a ledge built behind the bar so he could be tall enough to serve his customers.
Barney, a good looking young man, blond hair, blue eyes, but very clumsy and very shy around women. Especially Adelia, a beautiful yellow haired saloon girl, is standing at the bar enjoying a tall cold beer when Adelia spotted him.
“Barney, are you going to buy me a drink?” Adelia said. As she gently ran her fingers up and down Barney’s spine. Barney blushes as the goose bumps flow across his body and his hormones wake up. “Oh Barney, are you blushing? When will you learn, all I want is to be your friend if you know what I mean?”
“I ‘m not blushing? What makes you think that?”
“Oh I don’t know, maybe it’s the rosy tint on your cheeks, or the fact that you can’t even look at me. Oh, Barney, what is a girl to think if you won’t even look at her?”
“I think you’re a swell gal.”
“A swell gal, Barney can’t you tell that I am….”
It is then Barney sees Killer Roy and his gang walk into the saloon. Killer Roy and Larkin sit down at the table, while Catfish walks up to the bar to get three beers.
“Three beers barkeep.”
Barney recognizes the gang from a description he overhears the Sheriff tell Deputy Corky during a conversation. Barney knows he needs to let the Sheriff know that the Killer Roy gang just road into town.
Sheriff Stone, a tall, dark, handsome man and a born leader, is down the street scolding some children for stealing some licorice and gumballs from the general store.
Barney’s timing was perfect as he walks out the saloon. When he sees his childhood friend Deputy Corky get walloped up the side of his head by a little old lady with a cane while yelling at him.
“Get your hands off me, what kind of lady do you think I am?”
“Sorry ma’am,” Deputy Corky a goofy and clumsy greenhorn deputy said with a very high pitched voice while covering his head with his arms. While fleeing from the beating he trips and falls face first into the mud trying to get away, giving the town people a reason to laugh.
“I’ll give you sorry, if you ever try to take advantage of a little old lady again. Now scat and don’t let me see you again.”
Barney runs to his friend to help him up, but Deputy Corky doesn’t want any help. When he sees the town people laughing, he is embarrassed and it deeply wounds his pride.
“What did you do to make her so angry?” Barney exclaimed.
“I don’t know, I was walking down the side walk, when I saw her trying to walk up the steps on onto the sidewalk with her cane. I wanted to help her, but when I approached her and took her by the arm to help her, she started yelling and beating me with her cane.”
“You really know how to pick a winner, maybe you should stick with women your own age.” Barney said while laughing real hard.
“Oh, leave me alone,” Deputy Corky said, while trying to clean the mud off himself. Deputy Corky stormed off towards the sheriff’s office.
“Fine, I will go find the Sheriff and tell him that the Killer Roy gang is in town then on my own.”
“Killer Roy gang!”
“Yeah, the Killer Roy gang, what, you deaf? You got mud in your ears or what?”
Thoughts begin to run through Deputy Corky’s head as he is walking to the Sheriff’s office, I know how to redeem myself and no one will ever laugh at me again. “Wait a minute, I’ll go with you, let me clean up.”
“What are you going to do? You’ve only been a deputy for a short time.”
“Trust me, I can handle the Killer Roy gang.”
“Now you know if Sheriff Stone finds out he will throttle you until your neck is black and blue.”
Meanwhile, Killer Roy and his men are raising a real ruckus over at the saloon. With their rude comments and bullying the local town folk. The town folk start to leave the saloon in fear of their safety. Only a handful of those known for brawling remain behind. It doesn’t take long for Larkin and Catfish to notice Adelia. The men really started paying a lot of unwanted attention towards her.
“You are one handsome little filly, why don’t you let my friend and I buy you a drink? Then we can go over to our table and have a little fun,” Larkin said.
“Oh, go suck an egg,” Adelia replies loudly.
“I like a feisty woman,” Larkin says with excitement.
“The feistier they are the more fun I have,” Catfish ejaculated.
Larkin and Catfish continue to grab onto her arms trying to draw her closer to them. The more they try the more resistant she becomes.
“Oh, come on we just want to have fun. Why not show us some love?” Catfish ejaculates.
About that time Adelia notices Catfish’s foot right next to her foot. While he is groping her and not paying attention, she stomps on the top of his foot with her 3-inch high heel as hard as she could, driving the point of the heel between the bones on the top of his foot. It does not take long before the pain registered with his brain and he began hopping all over the place, yelling and cursing Adelia while trying to hold his foot. It is then everyone in the saloon burst out start laughing.
“Catfish, you look like you have a pants full of minnows,” Killer Roy says while laughing uncontrollable.
“It looks more like some newfangled square dance if ask me,” a customer at the bar bursts out while laughing.
“Barkeep, are you going to continue to let them treat me this way? You’re not going say anything?” Adelia asks angrily.
“You’re a saloon girl and it is your job to make my clientele happy. Now behave yourself.”
Now with Larkins competition out of the way, he tells Adelia, “Now that my friend is over there nursing his sore foot, why don’t you do what the barkeeper told you and we will have a little fun.”
“Nursing his foot! More like nursing his pride!” another customer replied.
Adelia finally gives in, “You know what, I will have that drink with you, barkeep give us two doubles.”
“A woman who likes her whiskey, that’s what I am talking about. After this maybe you could show me some loving and let me have a poke.” Larkin starts running his hand up and down Adelia’s back and drawing closer to her. He grabs her by the back of the neck and forces a slobbery kiss on her, causing her stomach to turn as she pushes him away.
“We will see, are you going to stare at your whiskey or drink up?” As she runs her finger over his chest and whispers to him in a provocative way.
Larkin’s hormones start going crazy, he feels his temperature rise as he slams back his shot and swallows hard with a, “mm that hit the spot sound.” Adelia slams back her shot too, but she does not swallow it. Just as Larkin brings his head forward, Adelia sprays his eyes with the whiskey she is holding behind her lips. Larkin let’s out a blood curling scream. “I can’t see, I can’t see, I am blind. She blinded me, Roy help me please, it burns!!” It does not take long for his eyes and face to turn red and start to welt up from the combination of sweat and whiskey. “You’re a crazy whore, I am going to kill you!”
“Adelia, what do you think you’re doing?” Big John shouted angrily.
Before Adelia could even reply, Killer Roy piped in, “Little lady I am not sure if you have the balls God gave a bull or if you are plain stupid. But, how are they supposed to work if they are crippled up?”
“Oh, go suck an egg.”
Larkin continues to whimper and wine to Killer Roy about his eyes and face burning. “Oh, shut up and go outside and wash yourself off,” said Killer Roy
Not knowing about what is happening back at the saloon, Barney is still waiting for Deputy Corky to get out of his muddy clothes. Barney’s frustration sets in when Corky is unable to find clean clothes.
“Come on, we need to get back to the saloon. Who knows what they maybe planning and the longer we’re here, the more trouble they can cause.” Barney exclaims. Then it dawns on him, Adelia, I forgot about her, who knows what they’re doing to her and I am not there to protect her.
“Fine let’s go, who cares if I am filthy”
“You must, we’ve been here forever while you looked for clean clothes.”
“Ah, let’s just go, don’t worry about it.”
“You don’t want to dirty up any more clothes anyways, cause if you do, what are we going to bury you in?”
“What do you mean bury me in?”
“Well you’re the knot head that wants to take on the Killer Roy gang by yourself, just so you can make a name for yourself. Hey, I just got an idea, what if we put he just wanted to make a name for himself on your headstone?”
“Ah, go suck an egg. Who is that washing their face off in horse trough? Don’t they know horses drink from there?”
“Wait a minute, that is one of the guys with Killer Roy.”
“Let’s go have a word with him, before he goes back in to the saloon.”
When they approach Larkin they notice his face looks like he rolled around in poison ivy. Barney isn’t sure what happened while he was gone, but he’s in a hurry to find out. Barney wants to question Larkin right away, but was more worried about Adelia. Barney can’t wait to get back into the saloon, so Deputy Corky questions Larkin.
“What happened to your face? It looks like you got in a fight with poison ivy.”
“Oh, leave me alone,” Larkin said. Larkin was too embarrassed to tell the deputy it was a young lady that had done this to him.
Deputy Corky figures Larkin will be busy for a while by the looks of things. So he decides to go into the saloon and see what’s happening in there. As the deputy walks through the saloon doors, he stops to close to the doors while looking the saloon over. When cowboy exits the saloon, he releases the door and it slings back hitting the deputy on the backside causing him to stumble into Adelia and the bar. “Corky what are you doing?” Barney questions.
“Yeah Corky, what are you doing? Corky, what happened to you? It looks like you were dragged on your stomach behind a team of horses,” Adelia asks curiously.
Barney can’t wait to tell Adelia, “Well you see, it was like this…”
“Oh, we don’t have time for that, show me the Killer Roy gang,” as Corky interrupts Barney.
“You see the short fat guy sitting at the table in the corner, that is Killer Roy. The other man sitting next to him nursing his foot must be Catfish, because the description of the gang said the tallest was a man named Larkin and the tall one is outside,” Barney answers.
“Where is the sheriff?” Adelia asks.
“Adelia, what happen to the one nursing his foot and the other one outside who looks like he got in a fight with some poison oak?” Barney asked.
“Oh, nothing I couldn’t handle, since Big John sat behind the bar and did nothing. The only thing he is worried about is paying customers. You still haven’t told me where the sheriff is,” said Adelia.
“Well Corky says he doesn’t need the sheriff. He’s going to deal with the gang himself,” Barney responds.
“Well, Deputy Corky what is your plan? Do you even have a plan?” Adelia questions.
“I am thinking of a plan, give me a minute,” Corky replies.
“What do you mean you’re thinking of a plan?” Adelia answers back with a little attitude.
“Well, I guess we can put ‘I was thinking of a plan, give me a minute’ on his headstone,” Adelia told Barney.
“You two are in an awful hurry to buy me a headstone.”
“Adelia, you have customers that need taken care of and if you two are going to take up room at my bar, you better buy a drink,” the Barkeep said convincingly.
“I am taking care of customers, give us three beers,” Adelia replies to the barkeep.
Adelia tells Barney to pay for the beers when she notices Killer Roy walking towards the bar.
“You better figure out something quickly, he’s walking this way,” Adelia tells Deputy Corky.
About then the deputy gets nauseated as the butterflies start buzzing in his stomach, the sweat starts pouring off his head like Niagara Falls and he swallows his Adam’s apple hard like.
“What is that sound, it sounds like drums,” Barney asks.
“Well, well, it’s our big brave deputy’s knees, if they beat any harder and faster people will think the Indians are attacking,” Adelia answers.
Killer Roy tells the barkeep, “Give me a bottle of whiskey and three glasses.”
“Here’s your chance, go say something to him. Ask what he is doing in our town,” Adelia says in a pushy way.
“That will be three bits,” said the barkeep to Killer Roy.
“It’s a good thing you’re not scared, you might have told him off,” Barney says sarcastically.
“I’m not afraid, I just don’t want to jump the gun and get a customer hurt, that’s all.”
Adelia tells Corky, “You better be careful, I hear some say Killer Roy is as mean as a rattlesnake and as cunning as a fox.”
Deputy Corky starts thinking, I don’t have to fight him, I just have to outsmart him. How can I outsmart a fox? It was then that a light bulb went off above his head, “I have an idea, just go along with it. I promise it will work.”
“Pardon me Adelia, you asked me where the sheriff was earlier and I forgot to answer you. The sheriff is down at the bank, it seems that they have a rat problem down there and all the money was chewed up into small pieces. He will be down there with the banker for a while,” Corky said in a loud tone to make sure Killer Roy hears him.
“Rats, I hate rats,” Adelia emphasizes frantically.
“Yeah, it seems that when the banker got there this morning and opened the vault he found some large rats the size of small dogs and teeth bigger than a beavers chewing up the money. These rats did not even run at first,” Corky emphasizes with a load tone again.
“How did they get in the vault? No one has ever broken in there!” Barney questions with a puzzled look.
“I heard the banker say they chewed right through the wall of the vault,” Corky replies even louder.
“Roy, I hate rats and with my sore foot I can’t run very fast, can we should pass on this job. You heard them say, all the money is chewed up anyways, so why stay?” Catfish states with fear in his voice.
Larkin replies, “I can’t see the rats, I can’t even see my hand hardly. I’m not going in there.”
Roy gives a sarcastic look and remark to Larkin, “No, but you can see your drink just fine and you two will do what I tell you to, do you understand?”
“Large rats, did I hear you right Corky?” the barkeep asked.
“Yeah their coming up from the river bottoms the sheriff said.”
“I hope they don’t mess with my still or booze. That’s all we need is a bunch of drunk rats the size of dogs running around town.”
Larkin begs Roy, “Come on Roy, first the rats are the size of small dogs, then there is no money left because the rats chewed it up and now they have drunk rats running around here. Can we just go find another town that don’t have rats and has plenty of money?”
“For once I agree with you two knuckle heads, we should just leave this rat infested hell hole. Drink up and let’s ride.”
While the gang is finishing up their drinks and getting ready to ride out of town, the sheriff is finishing up with the kids that were stealing candy. The sheriff has worked up a thirst and is on his way to the saloon for a cold beer. Killer Roy and his men are finishing up their drinks and walking towards the doors about the same time the sheriff is walking up to the saloon. As Killer Roy walks out of the saloon he bumps into the sheriff.
“Oh, pardon me I did not see you. You guys in a hurry to leave town?” The sheriff asks.
Killer Roy looks up at the sheriff and says, “we need to get going sheriff, we just dropped in for a drink.”
“You guys come back soon, you hear?”
“We probably won’t be back this way, but thanks anyways. Good luck with the rats.”
“What rats?” The sheriff questions.
THE END